Let’s face it, dealing with an elderly parent’s incontinence has got to be one of the most challenging parts of being their caregiver. (And if you’re already doing it, you’ll likely use a stronger word than “challenging”). It’s perhaps the clearest example of “The child becomes the parent” imaginable, uncomfortable and emotionally taxing for you both. But it’s an important hurdle to get over, as embarrassment over incontinence can cause seniors to withdraw and become less active, accelerating their decline. It’s for their own good, and it needs to be done. 

So let’s take a look at incontinence – why it happens, how to help your parent accept its reality, and then how to deal with it. 

Understanding Your Parent’s Incontinence:

Incontinence in elderly parents with dementia is very common, and can manifest as urinary incontinence (involuntary leakage of urine) or fecal incontinence (involuntary bowel movements). It can be caused by many factors, including: 

Physical Changes: As dementia progresses, the brain’s ability to control bladder and bowel function diminishes, leading to involuntary leakage or accidents.

Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs): UTIs are common among elderly individuals and can exacerbate incontinence symptoms. Be vigilant for signs of UTIs, such as frequent urination, burning sensation during urination, or cloudy urine, and seek prompt medical treatment if suspected.

Medication Side Effects: Certain medications for dementia or other health conditions can contribute to urinary or fecal incontinence. Consult your parent’s healthcare provider if you suspect medication side effects are causing or worsening incontinence symptoms.

Mobility Issues: Limited mobility or difficulty reaching the bathroom in time can increase the risk of accidents. Consider mobility aids such as walkers or wheelchairs to facilitate safe and timely access to the bathroom. You can also put a bedside commode in their room.

Cognitive Decline: Memory loss and cognitive impairment can make it challenging for your mom or dad to recognize the need to use the bathroom or remember where it is located.

If your parent’s incontinence is due to a treatable medical problem (like a UTI), you’ll obviously get them the care they need, hopefully resolving the issue quickly. If, however, it’s caused by aging and cognitive decline, it can’t be cured and it has to be dealt with. That starts with a conversation. 

Speaking To Your Parent About Their Incontinence: 

As you can probably imagine, convincing your parent to deal with their incontinence won’t be an easy conversation – for either of you. But if you keep empathy and patience front of mind, it should make for a better experience for you both, as well as leading to a better result. 

Additionally, you need to educate yourself about incontinence in elderly and dementia sufferers (yes, even beyond this post). You can find more information in this article and this post. You should also bring in your parent’s doctors and nurses; they may be able to offer guidance on managing incontinence, and recommend appropriate interventions or treatments.

The biggest no-no for the incontinence discussion is the word “diaper”. It’s obvious how charged that word would be for the person who used to change yours – so avoid it completely. Instead, consider terms like:

Pads

Incontinence Underwear

Protective Underwear

Depends (or other brand names)

Pull-ups

Special Briefs

Adult Incontinence Products

It may help if you bring some samples of the <term from above> along for the conversation. (You can shop for them at this link, or take a look at this site for comparison). Many modern products are very thin, quite comfortable, and look fairly similar to regular underwear. You can help your parent understand that no one will know they’re wearing a <term from above>. And that item will prevent leaking (and the embarrassment it would cause), provide long term comfort, and reduce their stress and yours. Remind them that it’s not their fault, as many people their age have a similar issue, and a great many are using <term from above>’s. 

If your efforts are rebuffed, and your parent denies they have an incontinence problem, you’ve got to remain calm. The harder you push, the more they’ll resist, and they might permanently shut down on you. If this happens, it’s time to pull back, and call in some help. Mom or dad’s doctor might be able to get through to them, or maybe a relative from their generation. Best of all would be a contemporary of your parent who’s dealing with their own incontinence issues. 

Dealing With Your Parent’s Incontinence

In addition to getting your elderly parent to wear a protective product, you’ll also want to protect their bedding with waterproof pads. And here are more techniques to help your parent minimize accidents, promote comfort, and preserve their dignity:

1. Establish a Routine: Establishing a consistent toileting schedule can help minimize accidents and promote bladder and bowel control. Encourage your parent to use the bathroom at regular intervals, such as upon waking, after meals, and before bedtime.

2. Monitor Fluid Intake: You or another caregiver can track your parent’s fluid intake, especially in the evening hours. Limiting caffeine and alcohol consumption, particularly before bedtime, can help reduce the frequency of nighttime accidents.

3. Create a Safe Environment: Make adjustments to your parent’s home to accommodate their needs. Ensure their path to the bathroom is well-lit, unobstructed, and equipped with grab bars or handrails for support. Consider installing handrails in the bathroom, using raised toilet seats, and placing a bedside commode or portable toilet near your parent’s bed for easy access during the night.

4. Maintain Hygiene: Proper hygiene is essential for preventing skin irritation and infections. Ensure your parent stays clean and dry by promptly changing soiled clothing and bedding, using gentle cleansing wipes, and applying protective creams or ointments as needed.

As we say in the sub-head to this website: “They cared for you – now it’s your turn”. And never more so than the issue of incontinence. But you can do it! Get prepared, make the case with patience and empathy, and chances are good you’ll be able to help your mom or dad live out their days in comfort and with dignity.